My Bag

I had left my husband, but I wasn’t gone. I was being held hostage by the choices before me -take cover in an unhappy marriage or become a single mother again. I wasn’t brave enough to choose the thing that would set me free. Where I’m from, one of the worse things you could be was a single black mother. Choosing freedom would mean disappointing my loved ones: my kids, my parents, extended family…myself. I wasn’t brave enough to choose.

A friend of mine suggested that I spend a week in solitude to figure my life out. Within the hour, she contacted a guy who owned a farm in Vermont. She nominated me to take part in a fellowship for folks who are working to change the world.  The only world I needed to change was my own. I spent a week on the farm in Vermont living in a tent with limited access to distractions like my cell phone and the internet.  I showered under the sun. I ate every meal with a group of strangers. I practiced yoga. I journaled.  I was quiet. I focused on me. I was free and it was beautiful. 

You know, everything they say about the truth is true. It will hurt and set you free. I was a single mother when I met him.  The three of us were great together. One day, after about a year of dating, he came home late from work. I hadn’t been able to reach him which was unusual.  He told me, without prompting, that he had engaged in a heavy petting session with a woman at work (I know, I should have run then). I was furious and immediately broke things off.  Days later he came by to talk. He proposed. Was I going to throw our whole relationship away because he kissed a girl at work? I reluctantly accepted his proposal.  The truth is that I thought marriage would save me from the stigma of single motherhood. Two more babies and five years later, there I was between the same rock and hard place. I am sad to say that I was more committed to keeping my status as a married woman than my own peace of mind.  

When I returned from Vermont, he sent me an email explaining that he no longer saw me as his wife. The only problem was that I WAS his wife! We had several circular, exhausting conversations about his email. One day, we were in yet another discussion about his position as my non-husband husband. I listened. I don’t recall what he said. There was no new information shared, only this time I wasn’t angry. I was resolute. I sat up in my seat with my feet firmly planted on the ground. When he finished, in a matter-of-fact tone, I said, “I am going to file for divorce this Friday.”  

#SMDH

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Halima says:

    And then you lived… learned and will love again. Blessings forever Queen. One love.

    Like

    1. zsackor1 says:

      Thank you so much, Halima!

      Like

  2. zsackor1 says:

    Reblogged this on Single Mom. Divorced. Happy! and commented:

    A new look from #SMDH!

    Like

  3. Kimberley says:

    I feel you on the stigma issues Zakiya! Many of us women waste the greater part of our lifetimes trying to force ourselves into the “socially- acceptable” and “properly-ordered” boxes that society has carefully selected for us. I’m thankful that you broke free from those chains of bondage. God has and continues to bless you Sis.

    Like

    1. zsackor1 says:

      I appreciate the love!!

      Like

  4. ecappard says:

    So glad you found your truth and decided to journey on in your happiness!

    Like

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